yet another one

let me start out by saying i am not sorry for anything that i have ever posted.

i am not sorry if people find out how i feel about them through this blog.

i am not sorry if i offend people when writing in my blog.

I'm sorry if people thing I'm looking for a pity fest.

cause none of that is me. if you don't like my blog, or its too depressing there is one solution.

don't read it.

plain and simple.




heres a tip for all you youngins:

if you buy alcohol for someone and "lose the money" [i.e. you give the money to someone to pay that someone back but then they lose it miraculously], just pay them back. not try and "pay them back" in alcohol unless  you just give them a water bottle full. because enough will never be "enough".
you will never pay them back enough money.


college is stupid. people in college are stupid.

here we go.

I'm giving up on BEDA. its obviously a lost cause.

as if you all didn't know that already...

i started watching grey's anatomy recently. its actually quiet interesting, and I'm really hooked since i started watching it from the beginning. thank youuu netflix.

i have had a ton of homework this past week/weekend. luckily i could distract myself very easily being home, hanging out with the family, going to tons and tons of church (I'm Orthodox and we just had our easter [Pascha] today!) and doing other nonsense things. unfortunately my math homework is hard. and my theory homework will probably take a long time. so what am i doing now? BLOGGING yesssss.

i have noticedd, in regards to the previous paragraph, that when i have a lot to do and become very stressed (did i mention i was very stressed this weekend? well i was. very much.) i become a nail biter. now when i was younger i had bit my nails a lot and yes its a bad habit blah blah blahhh. and i usually don't but i started noticing lately that i have been more and more when I'm about to go home or when I'm at home. it could be because of all the stress with my dad, or my sister, or this crazy quarter i am having. i don't know. but i do know i dislike it.

GOING ON WITH THE SAME IDEA OF THE LAST PARAGRAPH......

when i left for this weekend, i made my bed super neat and put things away and cleaned stuff up and like even swept my area of the floor. so what did i find when i came back? there was juice [alcohol] spilled under my desk , my posters by met bed were folded up along the edges, like someone was sitting against them like a crazy person, and my pillows. someone messed with my pillows. now i don't wanna sound like an anal bitch but seriously. if you're going to lay on someones bed, at least make sure you try and put stuff back where you find it. i mean it is blatantly not how i left it. oh and i just noticed, my desk in pushed away from my bed. awesome.  now obviously i don't expect laura to sit around and do nothing while I'm gone. but i mean she has a desk. she has her own area. what the heck.

along with all this....as i am trying to do my homework, they all walk in here while I'm "doing my homework" thanks guys....

pissed off. obviously.

lets be realistic here...

it is april 9th. i am officially failing at BEDA. i think ill just try and go with BEWA (blog every week in april). whenever i sign on i always think "hmm i'll blog right after i do this thing I'm about to do..." and then i never do.

so here i am, procrastinating my bio assignment, dreading going to math at 730, to blog

you all should feel so loved.

i wish i blogged more often, cause then it wouldn't be weird if i told you all about LAST weekend. you know, the one where i got super drunk and practically made out with a friend. how that friend is kinda seeing a girl that i know. (I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE OBVIOUSLY). how that girl deleted me on Facebook without talking to me about it (AGAIN, SUPER DRUNK). but also how that guy and myself are kinda pretending like that didn't happen, but also talking some more too.

are you confused?

good. me too.

back to my homework :/ maybe blogging more soon? yes?? maybe?

realistically maybe not for a few days...

I am failing miserably with BEDA. And it is 1:33 in the morning while I lie in. Ed on my iPhone blogging. I have 3, yes, 3 quizzes tomorrow, plus a voice lesson I'm kind of nervous about. Things have just been crazy busy. I hope to write soon of my weekend and possibly my classes.


If I post twice in one day, can that count as blogging for a different day?

Can this post count as April 3rds? Cause techniquilly I haven't gone to bed yet....

and so it begins....

BEDA.
blog. every. day. (in) april.

so we meet again.

BEDA and i really have a love-hate relationship really.

sometimes its like YES. an excuse to actually blog EVERY DAY!
but sometimes i have nothing to be said so i just write about nonsense.

today i have something to write about

HOORAY!

I'm apart of a little ensemble brought together by a freshman composition major (who is also my friend). he wrote this piece called "Epiphany in a Smile" and although we didn't get to sing through it today, we really dug into the meaning of this poem and the message he as the composer and poet was trying to convey.

Epiphany in a Smile

Light from your smile

for the briefest of moments

illuminates those shadows over which we toil.

like the smell of autumn air

and the lilt of a forgotten phrase,

it frees me, 

but for an instant, 

from those unbreakable chains

within us all.

at first i was like "whipdeedoo a love poem"

but then after reading it a second and third time i realized that its not a love poem, well not really. we all discussed it and came to the conclusion that no one will really know the meaning of life, or the key to being happy, or other philosophical things like that. but one the we do know is that in one split second, when you're with a friend, a significant other, anyone that you love, when you see them smile, if only for a second, you know. you know why you're here and why everything is happening. they make you safe and warm. something so simple, but also, so powerful.

this poem can have many different meanings i suppose, but i like this one. i particularly like this song because it reminds me of my father. after his first few rounds of chemo, even though he was feeling pretty off, he knew how to still enjoy life and make the best out of it. after his surgery, though, his smile was different. not the once perfect smile that i have been growing up with. its not the smile i remember for a child. its different now. a little off-balance, missing teeth, lips misshapen. but even though he may not look the same, his smile still feels the same. and i know that once he finishes his 10-15 week round of chemo, it will still feel the same. 

i've been struggling with a lot of whats been happening with my dad, but this poem really has opened my eyes. its still hard sometimes when I'm with him to not see the same face. but remembering how it makes me feel....well thats love isn't it?